


Everything Changes

by SJMW_Fangirl



Series: Shiro Is Gone [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Black Paladin Keith (Voltron), Blood, Depression, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Flashbacks, Gen, Hurt Keith (Voltron), Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, Keith feels, Only in last Chapter, Original Garrison Trio, Sad Keith (Voltron), Self-Harm, Sick Keith (Voltron), Suicidal Thoughts, Team as Family, Touch-Starved Keith (Voltron), Where is Shiro?!, injuries, kangst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-05-14 12:25:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14769578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SJMW_Fangirl/pseuds/SJMW_Fangirl
Summary: With Shiro missing Keith steps up to the plate to assume the role of the Black Paladin. Will Keith learn to lean on his friends or will he crumble under the pressure?





	1. You're Not Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Keith is lost, Pidge has to 'man up', and where in the ever-loving universe is Shiro?!
> 
> No TWs for this chapter.

_Shiro is gone._ A cold feeling wrapped around Keith’s heart as he swung at the Gladiator _. Shiro is gone. Shiro is gone._ The thought persisted in Keith’s mind, no matter how many times he tried to push it away. The Gladiator lunged. _Shiro is gone._ Keith dodged, barely in time. _Shiro is gone._ The Gladiator shifted to the right, jerking his staff in an upward jab. _Shiro is gone._ Keith noticed the new maneuver too late. The Gladiator’s baton rammed into Keith’s jaw and chest, knocking the paladin across the room. Keith hit the floor with a harsh thud, lifting his head up slowly to see the Gladiator charging forward. _Shiro is gone._ The words froze Keith, too engraved on his mind for him to be distracted from them by the mere threat of bodily harm.

     “End training sequence!” A voice called from the doorway. The Gladiator fell into a heap on the metallic floor a few feet from Keith. Keith blinked in surprise, looking toward the doorway. Pidge walked into the room, her arms crossed. “What do you think you’re doing?!” She asked incredulously, throwing her arms out dramatically.

     Keith stared at Pidge, but all he could see was Shiro standing in the doorway, giving him the soft disappointed look he always wore when Keith trained too hard. Suddenly Keith was in no mood to be scolded and he growled lightly under his breath as he stood up. “What does it look like I’m doing?” He asked irritably.

     Pidge rolled her eyes, “Looks to me like you’re trying to get yourself killed.” She walked closer, gearing up to give Keith a lecture. “Keith, for Quiznak’s sake. You can’t keep doing this to yourself. This is the third time I’ve found you in here training your brains out.”

     Keith shrugged, responding bitterly. “So what? It’s what we’re supposed to do, right? The Paladins of Voltron. We train and fight until we’ve lost all sense of normal life and then one day we die.” _Or disappear._ The last part went unsaid, but it hung in the space between them, poisoning the air like the thick scent of rotting garbage.

     Pidge’s sharp amber eyes softened behind her glasses. She knew that he missed Shiro, the two were like brothers and Shiro was the only one that Keith knew before Voltron. “Look, Keith. I know you miss Shiro and everything bu-”

      “You know?!” Keith asked, cutting her off shrilly. “You don’t know anything about me or how I feel!” He narrowed his eyes at her, dark violet hues burning brightly with inner rage. “All you know is that Shiro is missing, you don’t know what that means to me.” He started tearing up, mouth twisted into an ugly scowl. “You have no idea what it means to me to have Shiro missing. To have the one person that I had back on Earth disappear, come back for less than a year and then suddenly disappear again! Shiro is the only person that I have and NOW HE’S GONE!!” His voiced raised into a strangled shout.

     Pidge shrunk back a bit, not used to having Keith’s rage focused directly towards her. Her mind raced as she listened to Keith, not having realized before that Shiro was the only person he had on Earth. If _she_ had found her brother only to have him disappear again, she didn’t think she’d make it through that. She was brought out of her musings by a soft broken whisper.

     “He’s gone… Again…” Keith’s voice cracked, his anger falling away to despair. He fell back against the wall, slowly sinking to the ground. His hands found their way to his hair, tugging lightly on the black locks as his thoughts spiraled down, consuming him like quicksand. Crystalline tears fell from his eyes, shining on the polished metal floor.

     Pidge’s heart broke a little as she stared at the crushed soul in front of her. She bit her lip and shrank back. She looked around as if someone else could magically appear to comfort Keith. However, at seeing no one she “manned up” and crouched down in front of Keith. “Hey, Keith, shh. It’s okay. Alright, it’s really not okay, I know, but it will be.” Pidge said awkwardly, pulling Keith to her gently.

     Surprisingly, Keith let himself to pulled into the embrace with his upper body leaning against Pidge. It was a testament to just how lonely and sad he was that he let himself be touched in such a way, not usually one for physical contact. But he just let his head fall against Pidge’s shoulder as he sniffled, tears sparkling on her shirt before being absorbed by the soft green material.

     Pidge held him close like that for a few minutes in silence, just letting Keith cry silently. As his tears started to slow a little she spoke up, her usually sarcastic voice instead soft and tender. “He’s gone and it hurts.” Keith whimpered, but she talked on. “It hurts when you feel like you have no one. But we’re all here for you, Keith. You aren’t alone. We all miss Shiro and we won’t stop searching until we find him. And we _will_ find him. I promise you. You aren’t alone, Keith. You’ll never be alone again, you have us and you’ll have Shiro again too.”

     Like fragile glass, Keith shattered in her arms, sobs so violent they hurt wracking his body. His thin, trembling arms wrapped around Pidge; he clung to Pidge as if she was the only thing keeping him from going insane, which, at the moment, she was. Yes, at that moment, her gentle reassurance and warm embrace were the barrier keeping him from going over the edge. Keith cried a choked ‘thank you’ into her shoulder as the thought that echoed in his head changed. _I’m not alone._


	2. We're In This Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The paladin armor never felt heavy to Keith, but the color black carries a heavy burden.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! So this chapter is Keith and Allura with a tiny touch of Lance, Keith is doing a bit better, and there are no trigger warnings for this chapter. Enjoy!

     _This is it. This is the day I take the lead in Voltron. This is the day I become the **Black Paladin.**_ The shiny black metal of the Black Paladin’s armor sat in Keith’s hands. Today was the first day of training for the new combinations of paladin and lion. Keith stared down at the suit that would change his life, change who he was. _I won’t be the Red Paladin anymore._

     He tried to reassure himself, remembering Lance and Allura were in the same boat. _Not helping._ He thought, his views only drawn to the fact he would no longer have Red. He shook his head fiercely, his long hair brushing across his face. _Don’t think about that. Focus on Black, he’s my lion now._

     With shaky hands Keith put on his armor, looking up at the full length mirror as he finished. _Shiro._ Keith turned away, unable to look at himself in what had been his surrogate brother’s armor. Keith held in a breath, letting it out after a minute passed. He slowly dragged his eyes back up to the reflection. Tears welled above his lower lashes, but he refused to let them fall. He blinked them back, not wanting to wipe them away while wearing the armor. A brief nonsensical thought of possibly rusting the suit due to his tears ran through his head, and he laughed, almost sounding hysterical as his laugh echoed off the smooth walls.

     He shook his head again, scattering his useless thoughts to the back of his mind. He took a few more deep breaths, gearing himself up for the immediate future ahead of him. With one last lingering look at the mirror Keith left the room.

     Every step that carried him closer to the main hangar felt heavier than the last. Keith idly wondered how such a lightweight suit of armor could carry such a heavy burden. _I won’t be able to do this._ He thought, stepping hesitantly into the hangar.

     The Black Lion loomed over everything in the room, his presence almost demanding that they give him a new paladin. Keith hated to think that he would be the one piloting him. _I’m not Shiro. I’m not a leader. I shouldn’t be doing this._

     A soft voice shook Keith from his thoughts. He turned to see Allura standing next to him, dressed in the Blue Paladin armor, which had adjusted to her smaller size. Her eyes held a look of excitement mixed with grief. “I’m sorry to be pushing this burden onto you, Keith.” Allura stated. “I would have taken the title of Black Paladin, but Shiro said he wanted you to take over if anything happened to him, and you have shown yourself capable of piloting the Black Lion.”

     Keith felt his stomach flip a little at her words. _That was supposed to be a one time thing. I only did it to save Shiro._ “I know, Allura. It isn’t your fault.” He said, staring back up at the Black Lion. “I hope it works out with you and Blue today, Lance says she can be a bit of a drama queen.” He stated, barely able to muster the joking tone into his voice.

     Allura giggled a little behind her hand. “I’m sure we’ll get along marvelously.” She glanced over to the Blue Lion, feeling a small tug at her heart, like a string was connecting her to the sentient beast. “I wish you well with Black.”

     “Yeah, thanks.” Keith mumbled, looking up at the lion through the glowing barrier. _Will you accept me?_ There was no answer, just an empty silence in his head where Red used to be. Keith sighed softly, evidently attracting Allura’s attention, seeing as she turned to him again.

     “I’m sure you’ll do just great!” She said, trying to sound as encouraging and enthusiastic as possible. But Keith could only think that he’d do just the opposite. “I’m positive that the Black Lion will accept you in place of Shiro.” The ‘he has to’ was left unspoken, but Keith knew it was there for the small shake of her usually steady voice gave away her thoughts.

     Keith was about to respond when he felt a hand on his shoulder. His head swiveled to the right to meet Allura’s soft aqua blue eyes with his own dark violet ones. “You can do this Keith. I’m sure of it. We will make this work. We’re in this together. Nothing can stop us.” She stated, her voice not trembling in the least.

     Keith felt a small smile creep onto his face, a little flicker of faith growing within him. “Okay.” He nodded with a firm resolve. “Yeah. We can do this.” _I will do this. I’ll make you proud, Shiro._ Allura grinned back at him.

     “Okay, okay. Enough with all this mushy stuff, let’s do this!” Lance called from the other side of the room where he was standing in Keith’s old armor.

     Keith rolled his eyes, but shared a look with Allura as the three paladins went to stand in front of their lions. _We’re in this together_. With an apprehensive, yet determined look between the three paladins they each reached forward and placed a hand on the shimmering blue barriers.

     The barriers dissolved, the lions’ eyes flashing a bright yellow as each of the paladins felt their bond with the lions being created in their mind. Keith closed his eyes as the giant Black Lion brought its head down to meet Keith’s. Cold metal met warm flesh and a slight roar of both anguish and gratitude rang solid in Keith’s mind. _I’m sorry. I’m not Shiro. But I promise I will lead Voltron to the best of my ability until we find him. I promise this is only temporary._ An assenting purr spilled over his mind, a contented sort of feeling, like a calm twinkling galaxy.

     The lion pulled away and opened its mouth. _This is it._ Keith took a breath and entered the cockpit where Shiro had disappeared. He bit his lip and sat in the pilots chair, the screens lighting up with a display of the hangar. Keith set his jaw and sat up as straight as possible. _I am no longer the Red Paladin. I am the **Black Paladin.** I am the **leader** **of** **Voltron.** And I am going to find you, Shiro. I promise._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this chapter, next up is Keith and Lance!


	3. You Can Lean On Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wounded and on the run from the Galra, Keith learns a lesson from Lance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everybody! My apologies for not posting this sooner, my laptop had some problems and I had to get it fixed. Thank you for your patience! TW: Blood, Injuries, Intrusive Thoughts.

     _I can’t believe it. My first real mission as the Black Paladin and I fail. Of course you failed. You’re not meant to be a leader. _Keith bristled at the stinging bite of his intrusive thoughts. A sudden, sharp pain in his leg only seemed to confirm his wayward thoughts. He shook his head, trying to reason with himself. _That’s not true. I am a good leader. The last few weeks in training went really well. Yet look where you are now._

     Keith looked, heart sinking as he did so. He was limping along a forest trail, fleeing from the Galra, leg wounded and bleeding through the armor, possibly cracked ribs aching with each breath. He quickly glanced over at Lance walking next to him, feeling guilty that he had gotten him into the predicament they had found themselves in. If he had just been more careful they wouldn’t have been in such trouble.

     As if sensing Keith’s inner thoughts, Lance looked back at him, face twisted into a worried expression of concern. For a split second Keith wondered why he looked upset instead of angry at him. Lance’s eyes skimmed down to his leg. _Oh, that’s right. I’m bleeding, of course he’s worried._ Keith managed to roll his eyes, attempting to convince Lance he was fine. “Stop frowning, it’s just a flesh wound.”

     Lance frowned deeper. “That’s exactly why I’m frowning. Dude, you’ve been bleeding for the past ten minutes, if we don’t take care of it I’m not sure you’ll even make it back to the Lion.” Lance’s conviction grew as he spoke, a determined look settling on his face. He grabbed Keith’s arm tightly. “Come on, Mullet, we’re bandaging that leg.”

     Keith huffed, trying to protest. “Lance, relax. I’m fine. We have to keep moving before they catch us.” _It’ll be all your fault if they find you_. _No, I won’t let that happen_. _Just like you wouldn’t let Shiro disappear again?_ Keith stiffened at that whisper of his subconscious, tensing his muscles under Lance’s hold. “We _can’t_ stop.” He said doggedly.

     Unfortunately for Keith, Lance was stronger than him (though Keith would never admit it) and could match him head to head for stubbornness when he wanted to. He resolutely pulled Keith aside, hiding them behind a bush, just in case. “You aren’t going to make it back to the castle if you keep bleeding, Keith. Besides, I haven’t heard anything behind us for a while, we should be safe for a quick rest.”

     Keith sighed in resignation as Lance pushed him gently to sit against a weird tree with purple bumps covering it’s smooth green bark. “Fine. But we can’t take long.” Keith said insistently, hissing in pain as Lance removed the armor on his leg.

     Lance paled as the armor came off, inhaling sharply at the sight of Keith’s cut flesh and the torrent of blood flowing from it. He cursed under his breath, ripping the fabric of the black body suit and pulling it away from the wound.

     “That bad, huh?” Keith asked, staring at the dense gold foliage above him. His stomach flipped and churned uncomfortably. He was positive that if he looked at the mess he’d be sick.

     “It certainly isn’t good.” Lance said tersely, glancing up at Keith whose complexion was much paler than usual.  Lance started to take off his armor, tearing the sleeves of his under suit to make dressings. “I don’t have any water to clean it with, so these’ll have to do.”

     Keith glanced at Lance as he started to wrap the makeshift bandages around his leg. He frowned, opening his mouth in protest once again. “You didn’t have to use your suit, you could have used mine.”

     Lance shook his head, his gaze staying focused on Keith’s leg. “With this bad a wound you’re going to go into shock sooner or later. You’re gonna need that suit of yours to help keep you warm.” Lance tied the bindings tightly, apologizing softly when Keith flinched.

     “It’s fine. Thanks for the first aid.” Keith said, partially through clenched teeth. He took a deep breath as Lance put the leg armor back on, steeling his resolve to keep walking. A small chill creeped along his body, shock was settling in. _Come on, Kogane. I can do this. No you can’t. You couldn’t even handle a simple mission. No. That wasn’t my fault. It- It isn’t. It… Is._ Keith’s breathing stuttered, making Lance look up at him. _That’s right. This is your fault. You’re going to fail from one tiny mistake. You were the leader, but you will never be as good as Shiro. Never. Never be as good. You will **never** be as good as Shiro._

     A heavy sensation of anxiety settled in Lance’s stomach as he saw the blank look on Keith’s face. His eyes were wide, filled with pain. Lance bit his lip, thinking he had to get Keith back to the castle as soon as possible. He placed a hand on Keith’s arm. “Keith, pal. Come on. We’re going to get you home.”

     Keith startled, Lance shocking him from his thoughts. Seeing the look of concern on Lance’s face he quickly stood, ignoring the dizziness that attacked him. “Sorry. Let’s go.” He started walking, setting a quick pace, almost running from his thoughts. Lance tried to help him several times as Keith stumbled, but Keith refused to allow him, not wanting to appear weak.

     Finally when Keith stumbled again, a cry of pain bursting from his throat, Lance firmly wrapped Keith’s arm around his shoulders. “Look. I know you have a reputation to maintain and whatever, but you’re going to kill yourself if you keep this up.”

     Keith swallowed back a retort and instead tried to play dumb, putting on an expression of innocence. “Keep what up?” Lance gave him a Look.

     “Trying to rely on yourself. I know you’re the best fighter of all of us. But you need help, Keith.” Lance voice took on a softer tone as he saw the tortured look in Keith’s eyes. “There’s nothing wrong with it, Keith. Even Shiro needed help sometimes. It’s okay, Keith. You can lean on us.”

     Keith stared at the ground with an intense gaze, Lance’s words striking a chord deep down within him. Even Shiro needed help sometimes. He turned to Lance with a dry swallow and a hesitant smile. “Thanks Lance.” _I can lean on them._ _Lean on him._ And he so did, putting more weight on Lance as they walked, his body sagging with exhaustion, but trusting Lance to keep him going. _I can lean on them._

_Can’t I?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter up will be Hunk and Keith, I'll try to post it soon!


	4. Take a Deep Breath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hunk steps in when Keith overexerts himself, but he's too late to prevent Keith from getting sick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Well I got up the next chapter for ya! Hunk and Keith in this one, though it's a bit different than the others. I apologize if Hunk is a bit OOC, it's my first time really writing him. Keith and Coran up next so stay tuned! TW: Vomit, Intrusive Thoughts

     _You don’t deserve it,_ came the voice from Keith’s mind as he stared down at the food on his plate. The aroma was enticing and it was clear from the way the others were praising Hunk that the chef had outdone himself once again. But despite the pleasing scent, Keith couldn’t bring himself to eat it. His stomach churned whenever he tried to, causing him to force bile back down his throat.

     _You don’t deserve it. Don’t eat it._ Keith didn’t even try to fight against it, he simply pushed his plate away. “I’m gonna go train.” Keith said, getting up from the table and stalking out of the room.

     Keith’s head swam with awful feelings, thoughts caught in a riptide of negativity. _You don’t deserve food. You don’t deserve to be here. Where were you when Shiro disappeared? Why didn’t you save him?_ Keith let out a quiet whimper as he gripped his head, feeling dizzy and overwhelmed by the thoughts.

     He needed silence, just a few minutes of peace. He could get it while he was training. He started a training sequence. Parry. Dodge. Thrust. Duck. Punch. Slice. Keith lost himself in the movements of the violent dance. It wasn’t until Keith started to feel dizzy again that he lost his focus. Low blood sugar, brought on by eating only the bare minimum necessary for function in a week's time, hampered his technique and soon he was only dodging the robot.

     The others had exchanged worried glances as the new leader left. While Keith had been getting better at leaning on them for support and guidance, thanks to his talk with Lance, when confronted he still had the habit of pushing them away. So despite the fact they’d all noticed Keith eating less and less, they had left it alone for the time being. But this was the first time Keith had left without eating anything and everyone was worried he was going to hurt himself through this new diet.

     Through some discussion it was decided that Hunk would go after Keith. He waited awhile, to let Keith blow off some steam, before heading to the training room.

     By the time Hunk reached the training room, Keith had called an end to the training sequence. He was panting heavily, hands on his knees as he doubled over to try catching his breath. When had he become so weak? _I can’t do this anymore._  
  
     _Of course you can’t. You are nothing. Shiro was a fool to think you could be a leader. You’re nothing. Just a pathetic, worthless orphan who can never do anything right! You don’t even deserve to live._  
  
     Keith could feel his stomach rolling, suddenly feeling horrible at the nauseating thought. Because he didn’t. He really didn’t. He was doing nothing more than pulling the team down with him. Pidge was smart, so was Hunk. Lance came up with great strategies and Allura was the best diplomat. Even Coran, as eccentric as he could be, was more valuable than Keith, without even being a paladin just look at everything he could do! He could repair the ship with Hunk's scultrite cookies and destroy an entire fleet of Galra ships when worse came to worse. Keith was just Keith.

     He wasn’t smart, he was all action and no thinking. He couldn’t be more awkward around people. He was just dragging the team down. They could do so much better without him. _Without me._

     The thought made him positively sick. He hunched over, arms around his stomach as it rebelled and spewed its contents out of his stomach.  
  
     That was how Hunk found him when he walked in. Eyes wide with fright, the gentle giant ran forward. “Keith!” He caught him just before he fell forward, holding the poor boy up as he started to dry heave. He simply didn’t have anything to throw up, having hardly eaten the past week.  
  
     Keith trembled in Hunk’s grip, his stomach feeling like it was being torn in two. He gasped and groaned when his heaves finally stopped, trying to take in deep breaths. Keith briefly wondered what Hunk was doing there, but quickly decided just to appreciate it as Hunk held him up, seeing as Keith’s legs weren’t cooperating with him.

     “That’s it, buddy. Just keep taking deep breaths. Darn it, Keith! You’re shaking like a leaf!” Hunk mumbled worriedly, pulling Keith closer and frowning at the heat he could feel seeping though his clothes. He obviously had a fever.

     Keith barely acknowledged Hunk’s words, his world suddenly feeling like it was fading. Keith could hardly feel Hunk’s tight grip, it felt like he was floating. Like a cloud or… or smoke. That fit better. Smoke drifting through the air, lifted by the heat of a flame… _Why is it so hot?_

     Keith abruptly went limp in Hunk’s grip. Hunk, being the excitable person that he was, panicked.

     “Keith! Oh god, Keith!” He quickly picked Keith up, hurrying to the infirmary and screaming for Coran. A quick body scan showed them that Keith was suffering from a simple virus brought on by overexertion and malnutrition. The pods weren’t programmed to heal such things, they  helped physical injuries, but not illness.

     So Keith was put to bed, a cold cloth on his head to help the fever that seemed to only grow higher. The Alteans were trying to make some medicine that would be safe for a human, but so far to no avail.

     The entire team was distraught, but there was nothing that they could do until Keith woke up and they could get him to eat. When Keith woke the next day, everyone was relieved. Except Keith. Waking only proved to him he was a burden as he saw the worried faces around him. What kind of leader collapsed to leave his team to deal with it?

     _Now you see it don’t you? You really are just worthless._

     Keith took a deep breath and let out a resigned sigh as he closed his eyes. _I really am._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word Count- 1006. So yep. That happened. Keith really has to find another outlet instead of training. Also, I have no experience or reference for writing intrusive thoughts, though I believe they affect each person differently. Still I apologize if they seem inaccurately portrayed. One more chapter to come before the sequel is up. Thank you to everyone who has stuck with this fic through my long hiatus.


	5. Promise Us, Keith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a battle Keith has a talk with Coran. After the talk he has a battle with himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, with sweat (mine), blood (Keith's), and tears, (Keith's and mine) I bring you this, the very last chapter of this fic. So enjoy! We have Keith and Coran and of course the Black Lion. So his is where this story intensifies with some more mature themes, so please read with caution. TW: Intrusive Thoughts, Injuries, Blood, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Death (Not Keith, just briefly mentioned background characters.)

     Keith shifted restlessly in bed where Allura had confined him for the better part of a week. Something Allura had said rolled around relentlessly in his head, over and over and over again. ‘Promise us you won’t hurt yourself again Keith.’  
  
     Though the words were kind and caring they settled a heavy stone in his stomach as a bittersweet nostalgia swept over him. Those same words, those same kind and caring words had been asked of him before. _Shiro._ His stomach dropped suddenly, the weighty stone sinking deeper in his gut as a clear cut memory crashed into him with the force of a tidal wave.  
  
    … **Keith had tried so hard. So hard, but he had failed. The Garrison Entrance Exam was a hard test, it had to be, it was one of the most elite schools on Earth. Keith had been studying for it for weeks, staying up all night to ensure he was ready. So the day had come and Keith had been psyched, but when the test came, his mind had blanked. His exhaustion seemed to hit him all at once and he could hardly even see straight to read the paper in front of him.**  
  
     He handed the paper in, only three fourths of the answers filled in. Then came the simulation room. Keith crashed the ship not five minutes into the mission. Iverson’s booming voice sounded distant and faraway, like the tail end of an echo. Then the world pitched forward and his world went black split seconds before his head met the floor.  
  
     He’d failed. His one chance to reach the stars and he’d failed. Blood red drops trickled from a single deliberated cut across his wrist. What was the point now? He’d let Shiro down. For so long he’d wanted to follow in his footsteps, since Shiro met him and pulled him from the hell of a foster home he’d been stuck in. And now it would never happen. The Garrison didn’t allow anyone to take the exam twice.

**His blade cut deeper into his flesh by a millimeter, the pain hushing Keith’s thoughts. It was quiet then, like a desert plain or like the stars twinkling in the night sky. Abruptly the silence was broken by a sharp exclamation of his name as the knife was suddenly twisted away from his grasp.**

**Keith looked up at Shiro, tears dripping down his cheeks, he hadn’t even realized he’d been crying. Shiro’s face was pinched, like he was in pain, and he couldn’t even say anything. Shiro threw the knife far across the room and gathered Keith into a crushing embrace. Keith broke in Shiro’s arms like a fragile vase.**

**Shiro was there to pick up the pieces. With a little help from Matt he put Keith back together, stood him back up on his feet and dusted him off. ‘Promise us you won’t hurt yourself again Keith.’ ‘I won’t Shiro, I promise.’ Keith had a thin scar across his wrist, but he was alive and he was more determined than ever to get into the Garrison. Due to the circumstances he was able to retake the test and with a full night’s sleep he passed with flying colors.**

_You’ve done it again. You’ve messed up again._ Keith pounded his fist on the dashboard of the Black Lion, earning a disapproving roar in the back of his head. Keith groaned, curling in his seat and gripping his head, his helmet already tossed away on the floor. _Black… Be quiet please… It’s too much, too loud._ Instead of quieting down Black instead made a whining purr, worried and gentle, but it was still overwhelming. Keith’s fingers tightened in his hair, a near whimper slipping past his lips. _Shut up! Just shut up! It’s too loud, I can’t- I can’t **think.**_

     Black went silent this time, greatly worried for his paladin. Black would have given anything to bring Shiro back, to end the pain for both his beloved paladins. But it was not in his power to do so. He could only watch as Keith began to crumble and rock slowly back and forth in the pilot’s chair.

     It took longer this time for Keith to quiet his thoughts, sitting in his lion for nearly a varga. Which is why Coran finally called out to him. Keith thickly swallowed a sour taste that had settled in his mouth, standing up to exit his lion and leaving his helmet discarded on the floor.

     Keith stepped out of the lion’s mouth, Coran’s bushy mustache meeting him outside. “Ah, there you are number four! I was starting to think you’d be in there for decapheebs!” The cheery man said, though he had noticed the strain on Keith’s face and was already worried. “Hunk is making a most festive spread for us in the kitchen, shall we join the others in the dining hall?”

     Keith tried to give Coran a  smile, but it was barely there, it just felt like too much effort. “Actually Coran, I’m not too hungry. I think I’m gonna go take a shower and grab something to eat after.”

     Coran’s face dropped a little, but he nodded. “Right , then I’ll walk with you for a bit.” He said, strolling out of the hangar with Keith. He observed him silently for a few minutes before speaking up. “You know, Keith, what happened today wasn’t your fault. There was no way we could have prevented what happened. The robeast was just too strong.”

     Keith’s stomach tightened its ever present knot. Keeping his head down he took a deep breath. “I…” He shook his head, not even able to truly talk about it. It had been horrible. It was a distress call from a small populated planet, but when they got there they found one of the biggest robeasts they’d ever seen. Voltron was disbanded during battle and Pidge almost died from a large sonic blast, just barely managing to eject before her lion was hit. Eventually they were able to defeat the beast, Yellow’s thick armor a major help. But now the Green Lion was offline, needing major repairs and Pidge was inured. If Keith had lost her… He couldn’t even imagine what he’d say to Matt when they found him.

     Not to mention that they’d lost nearly half of the innocents that the robeast was wreaking havoc on. They did their best to protect them, but what if there was something else they could have done? _What if there was something else I could have done? Maybe Pidge wouldn’t be in a healing pod right now._

     Coran paused, placing a hand on Keith’s shoulder. “Keith, we are in a war. There are always losses. But it wasn’t your fault. There was no one to blame. Sometimes you just can’t win, even King Alfor lost battles. But he couldn’t let that get to him. He had to push past it. So must you. You must push past this feeling of guilt and regain your strength to ensure that what was not your fault this time does not become your fault next time. There’s always another battle, there will always be loss along with gain, you must not let it consume you.”

     Keith looked up at Coran with an upset look on his face, tears welling in his eyes before he turned his head away. “I… I’ll try.” He whispered, though he could see the wisdom in Coran’s voice he just couldn’t accept the outcome of their last battle so easily.

     Coran patted his back gently. “That’s all I can ask of you.” Slowly they started to walk again, Coran staying with Keith until they reached the paladin’s bedroom. “Don’t forget to eat when you’re done with your shower, or I’ll send Hunk down here.” He said with an amused smile as he twirled the end of his mustache. Hunk had been very persistent of keeping Keith’s diet steady since their leader’s collapse.

     Keith gave him a slight chuckle and nodded. “Alright, um, thanks Coran.” The Altean smiled and left shortly, leaving Keith to drown once more in his thoughts. It all came thundering down on him once more as he stood there, just inside his room. _He’s wrong. Of course this was your fault. You should’ve saved Pidge. But then if you couldn’t save Shiro why would should you be able to save her?_

     Keith breathed deeply, begging the thoughts to just _go away, please go away._ He stumbled across the floor to the bathroom, ripping his armor off, leaving a trail of black and white metal behind him. He peeled the under suit off, eyes falling on his blade wrapped neatly in its halter on the sink. He could cut. That would silence his thoughts. **‘Promise us you won’t hurt yourself again Keith.’**

     Keith dropped the suit, hands gripping the sink. _Shiro. Shiro please… Please forgive me. I’m sorry, Shiro. I am so so sorry._ The blade was in his hand before he even felt himself move. He stepped into the shower, turning it on and letting the water rain down on him as he looked at the blade. _It was your fault. You’re weak, so weak. Just end it. It could all be over._

     _“Stop!”_ Keith screamed, quickly slicing the blade across his wrist. Then it was quiet. The pain hit and it welcomed the silence, the tranquil sound of water dripping into the tub. Keith’s muscles relaxed, shoulders slumping and head tilting up to feel the gentle spray of the water on his face. A face that was finally unlined with stress, peaceful and calm.

     Bright red streamed down Keith’s wrist, to his elbow where it washed off his skin into the water gathering around the drain. With one small cut Keith’s promise was broken, his last connection to Shiro severed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Yep, that definitely happened. Oh poor, Keith. I apologize for torturing you like this, but alas I am an evil author. Don't worry though, everybody! The sequel story will be up soon! We'll have more angst, (Of course, that's my thing.) , more fluff, a ton more feels, happy and sad, and well, yeah... Hope you all enjoyed the ride, thanks for sticking around with me and for all the kudos, comments, and encouragement!


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